Trying To Control My Universe

When I joined Alanon over sixteen years ago one of the most difficult notions for me to accept was “you didn’t cause this, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it”.  Damn.  I thought they’d help me to convince my husband to stop drinking.  It took time, but eventually I gave up trying to control what he was doing with booze, and eventually left him because I discovered I couldn’t live with the smell or the behaviors that came with the drinking.  I do understand that I can’t control anyone else’s behaviors, and more important, need to pay attention to my own. Where I still get into trouble is knowing when I need to say something about my partner’s behaviors, or a friend’s, or one of my daughter’s:  it is their choice and right to behave as they see fit, but what happens when that behavior really impacts my life.  Not that I just don’t like it, but that the behavior pushes me away, or makes me truly angry, or costs me time, or even money – any of the above.   One rule of thumb for me is that if I feel I need to say something, I figure out what I want from the encounter, which helps me decide what I need to say. Then I drop it, and if nothing changes, an stuck with what to do next.  This is easier to do with my friends and daughters,  even if I see a train wreck waiting down the track for them.  With the man I live with, it is more difficult.  Most days we are able to work through whatever it is – he is a pretty good listener – and when his attitude is ‘you’re just going to have to accept this because it’s something I’m not willing to change, even for you’ I have to ask myself, ‘How important is this?’  If it is important, I wait a few days and bring it up again, and then we negotiate.  If he were unwilling to do this, life together would be much harder.  Neither of my two ex-husband’s were willing negotiate solutions to big issues, and both of them are ex’s, so that says a lot.  I do believe that those two marriages, and the work I did on understanding myself and my limits after they ended, helped me find the man I live with and stay with him.  I wish there had been an easier way for me to learn, but maybe that’s not possible.  Life is our mistakes, what we learn from them, and how willing we are to change ourselves if we want more joy on a daily basis. I can’t say I relish the struggle, but I certainly accept it now.