Living Life My Way

Since my friend Steve passed away, I have been thinking about the way I live my life: do I do something I really want to do every day?; do I see my friends enough?; do I express appreciation to the people I love on a regular basis?; how am I spending each day, and do I spend my time the way I want to or the way I think I should?; finally, am I happy? Most days I do think I do something I really want to do.  I go for a swim, take a Nia class, go for a walk, go to a movie, read.  I think I’ve got that one down.   I hadn’t seen Steve in over a year when I realized he was ill.  I can’t help thinking about all the lost time that can never be recovered, and it makes me so sad.  I really don’t want to do that again.  I don’t want to be ‘too busy’ to have tea or lunch or make a phone call.  That’s one I have to work on.  I have always expressed my love for friends and family and for my partner, probably ad nauseam, so that one’s not a problem for me. But some of my days pass with a total lack of consciousness. I’m not proud of this fact; it even seems embarrassing, actually.  I just get up, brush my teeth, sit down at my computer and begin my day.  Even lying down to read in the afternoon is following a pattern some of the time.  As I’m writing this blog I’m realizing there are some behaviors I have to work on.  I don’t think it’s easy to be conscious all of the time, or even every day.  But I do think that on a chart, I’d fall on the unconscious side way too often for my own good.  I think this affects how I would answer that last question to myself: when I choose the way I spend my time, really thinking about it, I am much happier.  When I spend hours, days or even weeks, doing what I’m used to doing, turning down tea with a friend because it might alter ‘my schedule’, or write my four pages when I don’t feel like it–then I am not particularly happy.  I’m not unhappy, but I don’t feel much joy either.  So there’s work to be done.  You never know who will get sick; you never know if it’s going to be yourself.  I don’t want to have regrets when my body fails me.  I don’t want to scramble to fit in the things I let slide.  I want to feel more joy more of the time.  If that’s true, I better take some time to make some changes.  So in this year I am making a pact with myself to make an effort to be more conscious in my day-to-day life.  I’ll let you know some months from now if I’m experiencing more joy.  How about you? What makes you feel terrific, and are you doing it?