Healing2

A young friend of mine was talking to me about Melody Beattie, and that she found her work on co-dependence very interesting, especially her list of co-dependent characteristics.  That interested me as well, so I asked her to email the list.  As my old friends well know, I have been in co-dependent relationships with some frequency.  The list came and I read it.  Much to my surprise, none of the indictors applied to me anymore.  Wow! That is healing at work.  Let me pick one:  “Preoccupation with other’s behavior, dependent on other’s approval for own identity and self-worth.”  I don’t know that the second portion of that description ever applied to me, but the first part sure did.  I obsessed about both of my husbands, as well as many of the men I dated over the years, spending more time thinking about them and their behavior than I ever did about myself or my work.  After my second divorce, I realized it was high time I focused on myself.  It dawned on me that was not a ‘selfish’ thing to do.  I had been in therapy a few times in my life, but I don’t remember the issue of setting clear boundaries, or considering my needs coming up.  Through Al-Anon I learned that those issues were utterly essential if I was going to ever have a healthy relationship.  In the beginning I didn’t even know what I enjoyed doing, though I could have told you the interests, joys and concerns of every person I loved.  This realization was pretty shocking.  I again entered therapy and went to my 12-step meetings religiously.  I practiced saying ‘no’ with my friends, my kids, and when I dated, though dates were few and far between.  When I finally began to see someone who was a ‘keeper’, at first I struggled to find balance between his needs and mine. It was a relief to find that I knew what mine were, and that they counted!  This may sound silly, but it’s true.  I knew who I was, what counted for me, and I could articulate these things.  Standing up for myself had become part of my repertoire.  I could list more of Beattie’s ‘characteristics’, but suggest instead that you read her seminal work on co-dependency, “Co-Dependent No more” if my revelations speak to you.  The important piece for me in this blog is that there has been healing in my own life.  I worked very hard at identifying my needs, my values, the activities that gave me joy – in short, everything that mattered to me.  Then I took the time to pursue them, and to make sure I didn’t abandon them at the very first opportunity.  It is very rewarding to discover that the work I did counted.  I truly altered both my behaviors and my feelings about them.  How terrific that feels, and what a great way to begin my week: writing about this new-found awareness.