Feeling Empty

A few days ago a woman told a friend of mine that she was amazed that she no longer felt ’empty.’ She had felt that way most of her life, but had realized she no longer did. That gave me pause, and has given me much food for thought ever since. I haven’t felt ’empty’ in so long, I had to really think about not feeling that way, and what had changed for me. I know I didn’t feel ‘full’ because I was married, when I was, nor did I feel ’empty’ once I divorced for the second time. Back then, 13 years ago, I was very sad, and grieved for several years, which I don’t say lightly. I would sometimes walk in the trails across from my house and scream and scream. But I didn’t feel empty. My life was full of so many gifts: my daughters, my work, creativity in general, my friends, and eventually my grandsons, that ’empty’ just wasn’t part of the equation. If all of those people and activities weren’t a part of my daily life, would I feel empty? I don’t think so. Again, I would be sad, probably very sad. My one daughter moving further away to Bend, even though my other daughter lives there, has made me sad because I won’t be able to just get into my car to visit her and my grandsons. But, again, I still feel ‘full.’ As I sit here writing, I realize that what seems to fill me is spirit. My spirit, which I connect with on a daily basis when I sit down to write, when I dance in the Nia studio, when I walk in the woods, when I look out my window at Puget Sound, when I saw ‘good morning’ to my partner and he leans over to kiss me–so many ways. Another thought that’s come up as I write is that I feed my soul in the ways that are particular to me, and learned to do that years ago, when I was a single parent. Not at first, because I felt so alone and bereft, but as years progressed, and perhaps because of the help I found in my women’s group, I rebuilt my own sense of fullness that was not dependent on anyone but me. Probably if I didn’t keep nurturing what keeps me alive, as well as healthy in mind, spirit, and body this would not be so. I don’t wake up in the morning thinking ‘what do I need to do to keep me full’ or some such. It’s become a natural part of my everyday, as much as writing, reading, affection with my partner, and calls to my kids. So, no, I don’t feel empty, and the choices I make every day on how to live my life are a large part of the reason.