Connected Thoughts: Happiness

After writing the blog last Monday, and actually doing some of what I actually wanted to do each day, I realized that I have a hard time just ‘being happy”.  If I feel content, my mind very quickly jumps to things I need to do, something that feels like a problem, a friend who is in trouble – you get the picture.  One night last week I felt delighted by my life;  it was a marvelous, warming and unfamiliar feeling.  By the time I fell asleep I was   again focusing on my lists.  I did stop myself though, but the glow still didn’t return. Wow.  Why am I so uncomfortable with feeling happy? Why was that deep content of a few moments ago so fleeting? Why did I choose to move away from it?  I don’t really have an answer to this yet, but I have been thinking about my parents, and what messages they gave me when I was a child. Remember, I had a father who told me ‘work was something you will hate, but that you have to do’!  When I told him he was talking to the wrong person, he was horrified.  My mom always had to be concerned about her heart health – she had a heart attack when I was four, and was always waiting for the next, because of my Dad – so that probably has a lot to do with my inability to just feel ‘happy’ for any length of time. So much of their focus was on the negative, the disaster waiting around the bend.  What to do about this new-found awareness is more of a problem.  I haven’t gotten an answer to that yet.  More exploration is in order.  I’ll share what comes up next Monday.  I know there are many of you out there who are like me, so it seems worth a few blogs.