Who Is The ‘Me’ I’ve Given Away?

When one of my oldest friends read my last Huffington Post blog about giving up ‘me’ when I’m focused on ‘you’, she said she wasn’t sure what I meant by ‘me’, and asked. It seemed a good question. During my second marriage, when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting a woman there suggested as I left the room, in passing, that I might try doing something each day I enjoyed, even a ‘small’ thing. All the way to my car I couldn’t believe what my first thought had been: I have no idea what I enjoy anymore. That brought me up short, and says a lot to me about the ‘me’ I had given away. How could I not have been able to think of one significant thing? I still read books, whenever I had a spare moment, and took exercise classes. But exercise wasn’t particularly fun, even swimming, although it did seem necessary for my continued health. I still struggle with that one; last week I lost count of what lap I was swimming, so concentrated was I on the feel of the water, and my body slicing through it. Most days, most years, I have been in the pool but onto the next ‘task’ of the day in my mind, so what fun is that? With both husbands I gave up expressing my thoughts about many subjects, especially ones I knew would upset them. I didn’t do this all at once, but slowly, over time, before I realized I had even done such a thing. Eventually I no longer even thought about those issues, as if they were erased from my mind, no longer worth attending to. In retrospect, giving them up certainly seems like giving up a part of me. Most of the activities we did as a couple were activities ‘he’ chose; in truth that happened in both of my marriages. Why didn’t I push for the activities I wanted to do, like car camping, for instance? The arguments that ensued didn’t seem worth it after awhile, and I didn’t dislike the activities they enjoyed. It was an unconscious ‘giving away’. And over the years I no longer thought about what I wanted to do, eventually letting go of those pleasures so completely that by the time that woman made her suggestion, I couldn’t even think of one activity that I truly enjoyed besides reading. I love to dance, but rarely went dancing; when I was single one of my friends and I found a folk dance place and danced there most Saturday nights. Who knew if the place even still existed? I loved walking on the beach, but usually didn’t have the time to drive down there as well as walk. If I had an hour, I walked near my house, so I didn’t have to use my precious hour driving. I hadn’t been to the beach, though it was only a few minutes away by car, in a very long time. I enjoyed eating out with friends. When had I last done that? I loved swimming, and though I still swam, wasn’t present in the pool. What else? I loved cuddling: with my daughters and with a man – but that wasn’t very important to either of my husbands, and once my daughters left home, that wasn’t available either. After this realization, when they would visit, I would always suggest watching TV in my bed, and we would all cuddle. Sometimes we would read there. Now I have my grandkids and my partner, who also likes to cuddle and touch. These are the things that come to mind. To sum up, I gave up issues that mattered to me; I gave up thinking about those arenas; I gave up the beach; I gave up cuddling; I gave up dancing. And by giving up all that, I gave up my sense of self. The scale was so tipped to each husband, that in the end there wasn’t much left of what had always sustained me. I will be forever grateful to that woman at the long-ago Al-Anon meeting, because her words sent me down a necessary path to find that forgotten woman, and all that she had enjoyed. During that particular journey I swore to myself I would never give those things up again, and I never have. I slip, especially in the pool, but not for long. The water feels too good!