Aging And Loss

In the past few months several of my friends have been diagnosed with serious illnesses. Some have diseases that have worsened. All of them are dealing with the news with much more equanimity than I would be. They have fears, and they try to live as best they can. What has moved front and center for me as I watch them cope, is my own age: it is more and more clear how finite my life is, and that I am closer to the end than the beginning. It is surprising to me that I am not more afraid. Perhaps because I am quite healthy, and whatever I may be realizing, ill-health seems a problem for the future, even though I realize that future might be closer than I think. What I find myself struggling with is how I live my life. I am a worrier, which I’ve certainly shared before. But I also spend an inordinate amount of time doing what I ‘should’ and what I ‘need to’, leaving little time for play. I often ask other women how they used to play as children and how they play now, and watch as they struggle with the concept for them now, as they age. What I’m learning about myself is that activities that began as ‘play’, soon become work. And that is my own doing. I take Nia classes twice a week. Nia is a form of dance/exercise with a spirit of joy at its base, which is why I enjoyed it in the first place. Often it feels like an hour of exercise now, necessary for my health, but not nearly as joyous. Which bring me to how I spend my days. I create lists in my head of thing I must do, and both Nia and swimming become just two other items on my list. When I realized this last week I determined to make a small change. When I went to my local pool to swim my laps, I lost count and was actually aware of the feel of the water on my body, as well as the sensation of my body slicing through it. I left the pool with a smile, the first time I felt more relaxed after my swim than before it. Hopefully I will continue that pattern this week. Because I have committed to marketing my memoir, I still spend an awful lot of each day fulfilling the tasks I have set for myself in that regard. ‘I have set for myself’ are the key words here. If I set those tasks, I can alter them. If I do a little less each day, it doesn’t make me a quitter. Nothing dire will happen. By the way, I am telling myself this as much as I am sharing with all of you. That is my goal this week. Figure out what I can drop, or drop as a daily task, so that I can get back to something I enjoy: re-reading and then moving forward with the multi-generational novel I had begun when my memoir became more than just a memoir. My partner tells me he always knows when I am writing – not the articles for The Transition Network or the blogs for HuffPost – but the novel. I am much calmer, and more content. So why do I so easily set it aside? Why do those ‘shoulds’ loom so large? Maybe it doesn’t matter. Just knowing they do is enough for me to make a conscious effort to change. I choose to feel pressure to keep on keeping on, and I can choose to let some of it go. I welcome your comments because I know I need help here. I know I say I want to change, and think of ways to alter my behaviors, but I so easily fall back into familiar patterns. Perhaps I can incorporate your ways of living with joy as central into my life. The solutions of others have often altered my patterns when they most needed to be changed. Please give me some feedback. This week I honestly need it.