Rashamon: What We Remember

A couple of weeks ago my old friend Margaret, whom I’ve known since high school, emailed that she had started to read my memoir, which I had finally remembered to send her.  I was quite nonplussed to discover that my notion of what had happened during the one period of our lives when we were estranged was totally bogus.  I thought she was being too ‘free’ with guys, as well as exhibiting other destructive behaviors, and pulled back from her.  I also thought she found me judgmental (which I was: what can I say?  I was young, just 19), though she doesn’t remember feeling that way at all.  It turns out her parents didn’t want her moving to the lower east side with her roommates, who were desperate to save money on rent, so they forced her to come home to New Jersey and commute to Pratt. At the time I had no idea.  I just thought we were having a hard time with each other.  I missed her terribly;  it was not a happy time for me either.  Lo and behold,  all these years later I discover it was equally unhappy for Margaret.  “I missed you horribly” she said in her email.  Thank God we were able to reconnect, and move forward, and have never been out of touch since.  As she said, “Everything else I’m reading is just what I remember.” Funny, but I don’t remember how or why we started to talk to each other again.  I’ll have to ask her if she does.   This new found knowledge has made me think about friendship, yet again, and close friends in particular.  We never know everything about another person, we just can’t.  These days I’m so busy with blogging here and for the Huffington Post, and writing my column for The Transition Network, that I have less time for my womenfriends, even those that matter to me a lot.  One friend in particular has been so distressed by my lack of time that she’s pulled away almost completely.  Even an explanation about how I spend my days (and how stressed I am about it all) hasn’t helped.  I guess we need what we need at the moment, and sometimes just can’t give one another room, or meet specific needs at specific times.  I can only hope in this instance, as with Margaret, she and I will move past the disappointment,  so we don’t lose a friendship that lasted over forty years.  For me, finding balance between the value of friendships and what I need to accomplish each day, as well as finding alone time for me, and quality time with my partner of seven years – at best it’s a juggling act.  There are always new friends in my life, because I’m pretty social by nature, but nothing sustains as much as women I’ve known for many years.  Thank God Margaret and I still talk by phone, by email, by Skype though we live on opposite coasts much of the time, and half the year, opposite continents.  Hopefully my other high school friend and I will make it through this rough patch as well.