Seeing Myself

A friend posted a great picture of herself and her partner on Facebook, so I called to ask her who had taken it.  Turns out a guy in town who has COPD and is housebound, took a whole series of pictures for them.  When she gave me his phone number, I knew I would call as soon as I checked with Wonono to make sure the idea appealed to him as well.  The actual session was very enjoyable.  The photographer, Mike McAndrew, had us talk, as well as ask him questions, when we were sitting under the lights, a good plan as it turned out.  Both of us relaxed during the process, which certainly helped with the natural shots he was able to capture.  We went home with a CD filled with all the pictures he had taken.  There were probably hundreds, since he snapped away as we sat and talked, creating many takes of the same shot.  Sunday we finally sat down to go through them so we could choose the ones we liked the most.  It was then that I noticed the deep grooves – wrinkles – in my neck.  I know I am aging, obviously, and have written about my struggles with that issue in this blog and on Facebook. But to see my neck, that looked like an old person’s neck, in such sharp relief was a bit of a shock nonetheless.  By the time we had chosen our favorite  pictures of Wonono, and the ones of us together, I was getting used to the damned wrinkles, and was able to look at the ones of me without distress, choosing the best ones with some dispassion.  Actually, I still think I am a pretty woman, but now have to learn to accept that I’m a pretty old woman!  What a concept….When I was describing this unpleasant realization, at least unpleasant for me,  to a friend she said, “Hey, we rarely see ourselves clearly in the mirror.”  Hmm.  I went into the bathroom and looked again, and sure enough, I didn’t even notice my neck, or at least it didn’t stand out even though that was what I had come into the room to look at.  With this blog I’m learning to see the world in all its complexity, as well as myself, but here’s a whole new aspect of the process:  ‘seeing’ myself as I am now.  If you go to my Facebook page – nancygreenwaldalvarez – I’m going to post one of those pictures today, and keep doing so as the weeks progress.