Anger And What We Do With It

I’ve been thinking a lot about anger in the past few weeks because someone in my life has been doing some raging, an historical issue that leaves me struggling with how I am to behave on the other end.  When I was a kid, my mother had a heart attack, and I was told by my dad, at age 4, that my anger (or yelling) could cause another attack, which could kill her.  Needless to say, for years yelling terrified me.  My first husband was a rage-r.  He would scream and pound the dining room table and I would stand there mute.  He raged at me and at our kids, and though somewhat reasonable about the behavior when he wasn’t angry and I brought it up in relation to our kids, he still raged.  It has struck me these past weeks that what I need to do now when confronted by someone else’s rage is simply say that I’m no longer available  for these kinds of interactions. If I have to repeat that phrase over and over each time till I’m blue in the face, that is what I will do. When possible, I will leave the room, the house, the area – until the behavior stops.  I even went to see my old counselor today because I am stressed about the issue, and she suggested I take a year, and refuse, gently if I can, to engage when that is going on, whether in person, by email or by phone.  I should include the words ‘for now I won’t’ so that it doesn’t seem like a cut off.  I have shut people out over the years, not many, but some, and would prefer to not go that route at this stage of life.  I do know I cannot control others.  I can make requests, and if they are not heeded, I can then decide upon an appropriate action for me and take it with consistency.  I wish I didn’t still hate, and fear, rages as much as I do, although the fear has lessened over the years so that I can be more rational about my choices.  Refusing to engage ‘for now’ is quite a novel idea for me, though I wish that were not so.  Improvement is the best we can hope for, imperfect beings that we are.